I know this seems crazy and absurd, but I think I’m becoming one of those paranoid moms. I just keep having thoughts like, “what if Jordan runs out in the street” or "what if Austin chokes on a piece of a cracker”… and so on. And I just pray that tonight won’t be my last night with them, and that I’ll be able to experience every moment with them as they grow.
These past few weeks have been sort of hard on me; I’ve just seen how lives can change in just a few hours and it just takes my breath away. Life is so precious. Children are so precious. I just want to wrap my arms around every little child I see and express love to every mother I see, because I know how raw and vulnerable each mother is because of the deep love she has for her children.
I love our Gospel and is does bring such an element of peace knowing that no matter what happens on this earth, we will all be together again. Some children are asked to come home earlier than others. Sometimes I look at my life and all of the close calls I’ve had. I can think of some times when there was no way to explain why that piece of glass embedded so deep in my leg didn’t sever that major artery in my thigh, or the car accident that sent me airborn, sideswiping an 18-wheeler and skidding past that Honda accord’s roof-top, didn’t send me back home. It’s unexplainable. And the other countless accidents I had growing up (my poor mom, I think I made up for all of the accidents in my home as a kid). And I think about when Jared and I were first married, and the little kids who would wander around until we’d hear the cars lock up their breaks in front of our house to avoid hitting one of those kids.. I just think, why some kids are guarded and others are asked to come home early. I just keep playing that phone call over and over in my head, and I keep thinking, “NO”, please, this can’t be real. Not Tiffany. Not little Jackson. Please, Heavenly Father, please don’t let this be real.
And then the reality sets in that this beautiful little boy was sent home early. He must have been a very special child because I know how much he was loved here, and there must be so many other people on the other side that just couldn’t wait to greet him.
But still it hurts to know that void is there, and I just can’t help but feel a sense of fear of the unknown. And I just treasure every moment I have, Heaven help me if anything were to happen to my husband, or my kids, but I want to live each and every moment to the fullest. And I guess I do worry more now than I ever did before.
Those are my random thoughts for the day….
These past few weeks have been sort of hard on me; I’ve just seen how lives can change in just a few hours and it just takes my breath away. Life is so precious. Children are so precious. I just want to wrap my arms around every little child I see and express love to every mother I see, because I know how raw and vulnerable each mother is because of the deep love she has for her children.
I love our Gospel and is does bring such an element of peace knowing that no matter what happens on this earth, we will all be together again. Some children are asked to come home earlier than others. Sometimes I look at my life and all of the close calls I’ve had. I can think of some times when there was no way to explain why that piece of glass embedded so deep in my leg didn’t sever that major artery in my thigh, or the car accident that sent me airborn, sideswiping an 18-wheeler and skidding past that Honda accord’s roof-top, didn’t send me back home. It’s unexplainable. And the other countless accidents I had growing up (my poor mom, I think I made up for all of the accidents in my home as a kid). And I think about when Jared and I were first married, and the little kids who would wander around until we’d hear the cars lock up their breaks in front of our house to avoid hitting one of those kids.. I just think, why some kids are guarded and others are asked to come home early. I just keep playing that phone call over and over in my head, and I keep thinking, “NO”, please, this can’t be real. Not Tiffany. Not little Jackson. Please, Heavenly Father, please don’t let this be real.
And then the reality sets in that this beautiful little boy was sent home early. He must have been a very special child because I know how much he was loved here, and there must be so many other people on the other side that just couldn’t wait to greet him.
But still it hurts to know that void is there, and I just can’t help but feel a sense of fear of the unknown. And I just treasure every moment I have, Heaven help me if anything were to happen to my husband, or my kids, but I want to live each and every moment to the fullest. And I guess I do worry more now than I ever did before.
Those are my random thoughts for the day….
8 comments:
Love those boys each & every day!! Live each day like it may be the last & have no regrets. I know I'll never understand or experience loosing a child, so I won't pretend to know how it would feel, but the thought of loosing the love of my life these past few months has taught me to treasure every moment I have with him.
Don't let your fear overshadow seeing the great things that happen each & every day.
You are a great Mom!!!
Love, Wendy
It is really an eye opener when you lose someone so close to you. I have felt the same way since our little friend Cooper died. It is a sad but good reminder of how precious our kids are. Thanks for reminding me again.
I agree...and I think those experiences change us forever (good and bad). I am still paranoid, extra sensitive, extra hard on myself when I don't make the most of a day, because I know how quickly it can all change.
This summer we were up at a cabin with all my family and they had a large pond/lake and a dock and the kids were constantly out in the boats and canoes. For me it was a total nightmare because I was always so worried about the water. I'd become frantic when I couldn't find Elizabeth for a few minutes. I also had to work through some real anger I felt towards the instructor, I really feel deep down she is cruel but I've had to really pray and let the Lord and the Law take over.
I'm sure you are going through some really tough times right now, and time will help, but it doesn't make it easier right now and I don't mean to sound negative but I think you will always be changed by it.
My sister-in-law teaches CPR, I keep wanting to get my skills up to date (it's been a long time since I went through the coarse), She said she'd certify me anytime, Erik already had her come do it for his work. Maybe we should have a girls get together one morning/afternoon/evening and she can teach us all CPR. I think being prepared helps some with the fear. I know as I watched the instructor do CPR on Elizabeth I really wished I could have helped but I knew she was better trained.
SORRY this is so long!!
I've been wondering where I could sign up for a CPR class. I'd love to take one, so if your sister-in-law can put a class together, please let me know. I think it would be good for all of us to learn. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
I don't think you can experience something like that and not be changed. I'm sure it turned your world upside down. I really didn't know him but it sure effected me too. I just hurt for everyone and it bring mortality to the surface. I think we sometimes think we including our family are invincible. I'm sure you are more paranoid now than before and that is okay. Moderation though in every thing right?
I know exactly what you mean. I wasn't close to the situation - just heard about it from you but I have been hugging my Luc and making sure he knows how deeply I love him. I start to think "that won't happen to us" and then I think "why not?" It could happen to anyone. This is a great post to remember to love love love and cherish every moment with your close family and friends.
Hope you are doing ok.
Lanae,
You're not alone. We are all being hypervigilant since the accident. Natalie even woke up one morning with a panic attack, as I guess you heard already. God did spare you on several occasions, because of all the important things you have to do in this life. We love you guys, miss you,
Chad
It's not paranoia, it is good mothering. I think often about your cousin, how is she?
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